Clickbait is just one of the many ways our generations (yep, all of us) have tried to ruin the internet. Along with pop-up ads, redirects, bots, and spam, clickbait is a spreading rash that continues to burn furiously. Here’s how to do it well:

1. Make sure you have a numbered list. Paragraphs are for scholars and those smart-asses with an education. If you are not using numbered lists, you are bringing clickbait into disrepute and should piss off and write for some scholarly journal. Wise guy.

2. Use confronting language that attacks common insecurities. For example: “6 reasons why your mother never loved you and you are rubbish at sports”. All of us have insecurities (or a heap of heavy prescriptions) and these little devils are more sensitive than most triggers. Obvious targets are sexual prowess, earning capacity, or failing in general.

3. Reference other high-grade clickbait sites as evidence. For example:

· Any News Corp paper

· Business Insider (or most Allure Media publications)

· Anything from Channel 9

· Anything from Channel 7

· Anything from Tracey Grimshaw, regardless of what station she is on

· Just about anything from TV or print that requires ratings or subscribers

4. Pick provocative and current topics, for example: “3 reasons why you’re bad at bitcoin”.

5. Make sure that the content of the article is loose and pointless. Clickbait isn’t a resource or project, it should be scrap content that takes no time to produce, and shits people to tears when they realise where they have ended up.

6. Steal other clickbait articles. Clickbait isn’t researched and there is no way it will be copyrighted (see point 5). Clickbait is plagiarisms premium accessory.

7. Repeat the same point several times. Make sure that the content of the article is loose and pointless. Clickbait isn’t a resource or project, it should be scrap content that takes no time to produce and shits people to tears when they realise where they have ended up.

8. Clickbait is designed to be buffet style content i.e. it shouldn’t simply be read and then disposed of. It should lead to more clicks. Finish your article with more clickbait, for example: “Now that you have discovered how to clickbait better, find out why your bedroom skills ruined your ability to win that dream job.”

9. Refer to “statistics”, “sources”, or “insiders” to support your arguments. This is referred to as WDRS (Woman’s Day Referencing System).

10. Understand that the purpose of the clickbait is to achieve audience time on a website resource rather than actually providing any value. It’s like the internet equivalent of Domino’s pizzas. Commence the engagement feeling hopeful, cease the engagement feeling cheap, used, and regretful.

11. Clickbait isn’t for everyone. You need to be a top-shelf asshole to be a clickbaiter, so if you are moderately decent, my advice is don’t try clickbait. It’s not worth it. You’re better than that. Leave it to Tracey.

Now that you have discovered how to write better clickbait, find out the four ways you can use your bitcoin skills to get laid more.