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Seriously, we need to have this conversation.
- Despite the fact that no one has ever seen
Santa, we just assume he’s a dude. This is sexist and creates gender
stereotypes, and will upset Twitter.
- He is an advocate for poor health. Most
households leave out cookies or cake. By the time he services all of QLD and
moves on to NSW, his calorie intake will be through the roof.
- He is an advocate for drink driving. Most
households leave out brandy, whiskey, eggnog or beer for the big man. By the
time he services all of QLD and moves on to NSW, he would be that pissed that
the accuracy of gift allocation would be a shambles. God only knows what the
kids in Perth receive.
- You wouldn’t trust your kids with a random man
at the shops, but for some reason if he’s in a Santa suit, he’s all good. And
just on that, how often do you expect that his suit has been dry-cleaned? Ever?
- His vehicle of choice is a sled (which evidently
is loaded above capacity) powered by reindeer which are an invasive
pest in Australia. They are also a protected species, so using them
as a means of transport is completely inappropriate.
- He only recruits little people. This is
- He sees you when you’re sleeping. There are laws
protecting us against this kind of behaviour.
- Given that most of us these days no longer have
chimneys, how exactly is he is getting into our houses?
- He is an ambassador for Coca-Cola. Given that
Coca-Cola has provided the world with little more than universal tooth decay
and unhealthy blood sugar levels, we should be significantly more coy on
- Why are we so at ease at the concept of an old
rotund man breaking into houses and leaving behind one of his stockings? That
is just so weird.
- In the Northern Territory during December,
evening temperatures hover around 30 degrees Celsius. After servicing the
fifty-one and a half thousand families in the NT, anyone dressed in a huge
overcoat, thick socks, and beanie would be near fatally dehydrated not to
mention smelling to high heaven.
- Santa is a vessel for disappointment, inconsistency,
and self-esteem issues. Child A is well-behaved and requests an iPad from
Santa. Santa delivers crayons. Child B is not well-behaved and also requests an
iPad from Santa. This time Santa delivers the iPad AND crayons. Lost and
disillusioned, Child A spends the next 30 years trying to rationalise this
injustice, crippling any possibility of him finding happiness or true love.