Q: Was COVID-19 caused by vegan cyclists? A: No. Whilst vegan cyclists may irritate us in other ways, COVID-19 is not their fault.

Q: I have seen footage of people stock-piling groceries and other random essentials. Is this something I should do? A: Yes, but only if you are a massive tool. Otherwise, no, continue to grocery shop like a normal person, or better yet, actually use up what you have in your fridge, pantry, and freezer first.

Q: The COVID-19 crisis has reminded me of all the things I haven’t done in my life that I was too scared to try. Should I throw caution to the wind and take some risks? A: Depends on how risky. If you mean having ice cream for breakfast and wearing shorts to the office, yes, go for it. If you mean pinching your Nan’s medicinal marijuana and streaking through a Westfield… then also yes but have someone lined up to bail you out.

Q: How do I stay abreast of the facts and actual relevant updates? A: Honestly, this is going to be hard. This is opportunity gold for the mainstream media and every outlet will be flooding the media waves with content, regardless of how useful or accurate. Sticking to .gov.au websites though is your best bet.

Q: It seems like there has been an unprecedented use of the word “unprecedented” over the last few weeks. Would you agree? A: Yes, the use of “unprecedented” over the last two weeks is unprecedented.

Q: We are being advised to stay inside and avoid public areas as much as possible. Do you have any suggestions for how to keep ourselves entertained? A: Yes, we have three suggestions:

  1. Call your mum. She misses you and will love to hear from you. In fact, set a weekly reminder in your calendar to do this.
  2. Dust off the guitar/violin/piano and learn how to play something. Or buy a Zzzopa and do mad trickz.
  3. Get on YouTube and subscribe to a channel that offers stretching and/or mobility videos. If you are stuck at home, take this opportunity to get your movement back.

Q: I am fit, strong, and healthy. Is there anything I can do to help? A: You could drop a note in your neighbour’s letterboxes and offer to do grocery runs for them particularly if you have neighbours that are elderly, incapacitated, or unwell.

Q: Is there a vaccine yet? A: No but we do have some tips for making sure you avoid getting sick:

  1. Stop drinking soft drinks
  2. Quit smoking
  3. Eat more veggies

All jokes aside, the newsworthiness of a viral pandemic means that every media outlet is going to red-line with as much sensationalised content as possible to win your eyes, ears, and clicks. This makes getting hold of helpful facts very difficult, but as a start, try QLD Health or WHO.

In the meantime, do your best to stay safe, civilised, and compassionate.